When do ‘boundaries’ in a relationship become shorthand for control?
Boundaries. If we had to pick a word for 2023 it may just be this (with ‘
naked dress’ and ‘beige flag’ following closely behind). Since the pandemic, we’ve all been inputting work boundaries (no I won’t be checking my emails after 6pm!) alerting our friends to our personal boundaries (please no more matching bridesmaids dresses) and planning new boundaries in therapy. Sometimes we apply them well and other times we may simply be the problem.
This weekend, boundaries took on a whole new meaning when actor Jonah Hill became the subject of a screenshotting in which he appeared to be really streeeetching the meaning of the term. Hill, whose 2022 Netflix documentary Stutz which saw him in conversation with his therapist Phil Stutz was widely celebrated for its open and positive approach to mental health, showed us all that maybe sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. His ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady shared screenshots on her Instagram stories of a text exchange which she alleges was between her and the Superbad actor. In them, Hill appears to repeatedly berate Brady and sets out a list of rules she needs to follow in the relationship.
Sharing the screenshots on her stories, Brady wrote: “This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this, make an exit plan. Call me if you need an ear.”
One exchange read: “I’ve made my boundaries clear[.] You refuse to let go of some of them and you’ve made that clear[.] And I hope it makes you happy” read the messages Brady claims Hill wrote, after Brady sent him proof that she had removed several images of herself from her Instagram which he was unhappy about.
In another text, Hill appears to set out a list of “boundaries” for Brady, a professional surfer, to follow – saying that if she need to; “[surf] with men”, “model” or have “friendships with women who are in unstable places from [her] wild recent past”, then he is not the right partner for her. “These are my boundaries for romantic partnership [sic]” he concluded.
Brady has accused Hill (39) of emotional abuse, writing in another post; “Sharing this publicly now because keeping it to myself was causing more damage to my mental health than sharing it could ever do.”
The messages have sparked conversations on social media around the meaning of boundaries and our recent obsession with therapy speak. Is Hill inputting boundaries or is he using therapeutic language to justify controlling his partner?
“The Jonah Hill stuff has been pretty instructive for having conversations about what boundaries actually are (limits on what you’re comfortable with) and what boundaries aren’t (placing restrictions on other people) and the fact that not all boundaries are equally valid,” wrote one Twitter user, echoing the sentiments of many others that Hill’s alleged texts stray out of the realm of boundary setting and into that of control.
So let’s get back to basics, what actually is a boundary in relationships and how can you set them in a healthy ways? Amanda Major, Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice at Relate, says the important thing to remember is that they are a two-way street. “Boundary setting is an important thing but in a relationship, these must be shared rather than one partner imposing rules on another.” Instead of telling the other person what they have to do in the relationship – whether it’s a friendship, intimate partnership, or any other relationship – boundaries should instead be a conversation about what makes both partners comfortable, she tells Cosmopolitan UK.
“Any boundary that is enforced [by saying] ‘you will do this or you’re a bad person, or you don’t respect me or you don’t love me, or if you don’t do that, I will kill myself’, these are not healthy, respectful boundaries. They’re something quite different. And in fact they’re very abusive,” she says.
While all relationships have unspoken rules – such as not sleeping with other people if you’re monogamous – these are only healthy if they are mutually agreed upon. “I think, I think in some ways it’s similar because a boundary and a rule could be the same, i.e; you know we’ve both agreed that we will be exclusive. That’s the rule that you’ve agreed on.” says Major.
What’s more important, Major says, is how these boundaries make you feel. “If someone is telling you ‘you can’t see those friends any more because I don’t like them’, that could be a rule or a boundary that makes you weigh up whether you want to be with that person. I think any situation where you’re weighing up the relationship or something you want to do, is a red flag.”
So when do boundaries become unhealthy or even abusive? “If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t,” says Sarah Davidge, Head of Research and Evaluation at Women’s Aid.
Referring to abusive relationships, she says: “abusers can often make excuses to justify their hurtful behaviour, which in turn, can make you start doubting whether your concerns about the relationship are valid. However, if you have heard these excuses before, then it could be a sign of an unhealthy or controlling relationship.”
As Major’s stresses, in a healthy relationship, boundaries will be a discussion rather than unilaterally imposed. “It’s perfectly okay in a relationship to say ‘I feel like this, and I would like to understand what your thoughts are about that so that we can reach a boundary that we’re both happy and we both feel we can respect.’
“I think it’s about communication. Just dishing out boundaries to people, I don’t think they are boundaries at all.”
Boundaries are an important aspect of any relationship; you can’t build intimacy without knowing the parameters you’re building in. But boundaries are only healthy when mutually agreed upon from a place or respect – otherwise they can be a sign of control.
If you are worried about a relationship that you or someone you know is in, you can contact Woman’s Aid through their Live Chat, by email or reaching out to your local service. You can also contact the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 08082000247
Cosmopolitan UK reached out to representatives of Jonah Hill for comment.
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