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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My mother passed away recently. We are all beside ourselves, but on the night she died, I found out something I wish I hadn’t.
She was sharing very intimate texts with two people outside of her marriage: one was a close friend of the family, and one was someone I’d never heard of before. Obviously, I’m horrified. My mom and dad’s marriage wasn’t perfect; they were awful to each other in all sorts of ways, but it just feels so gross to me to know she was sending messages like that to other men, especially someone close to both her and my dad. The texts weren’t sexual in nature, but they were beyond mere friendship. It was obvious both men had romantic feelings for my mother, and it seems like she reciprocated, on some level.
My dad knows, and he’s very upset. He won’t talk to us about it, despite my efforts to make sure he knows I am always open to it. Alongside coping with our loss, how do I come to terms with the fact that my mother was unfaithful? And how do I support my father, her husband of 21 years, through the revelation?
—Bereaved and Bewildered
Dear Bereaved and Bewildered,
I’m so sorry you had to learn about this. Grief is bad enough without these extra negative feelings layered on top of it. Sadly, I really don’t think there’s anything you’re going to be able to do to make sense of these revelations or help your dad process them. What your mom was doing, what it meant for their marriage, and how he feels now are topics that are just really far outside your jurisdiction as their daughter.
In some ways, that’s a good thing because you can give yourself permission to mind your own business—and I mean that in the kindest possible way. Your business is facing a life without your mother, nurturing your relationship with your father, and maybe even grappling with how being raised by two people who were awful to each other in ways you’ve always known about has shaped you. I’ll offer a mantra for you to repeat to yourself when you feel yourself getting wound up about the text exchanges and feeling like you have to do something: “My parents were adults who chose each other and chose their marriage, and I can’t change or fix anything about that relationship. I can just choose to live differently.”
During the pandemic, I (45/F) used my savings to move to a rural property and live out a dream I’ve always had about having a small hobby farm. I have some chickens, some beehives, I grow a lot of vegetables, and I’m looking forward to getting some larger livestock soon. I’ve been so happy in my new home, so when my sister asked if she, her husband, and their children could come and stay with me for a week—their first holiday since the pandemic—I eagerly agreed. I have ample space to host guests and plenty of room for the children to run around. However, all four of them were incredibly disappointed—the children, to the point of tears—when they arrived.
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